Men are not the Enemy
I was reading Isaiah Lewis’ story in The Christian Century about his discovering himself as a trans man. The need to be who we are. The joy of being ourselves and knowing that is who God wants us to be.
I found myself wondering if I, as a woman, now an old woman had ever discovered my true self. Had I I ever wanted to be a man or a boy? After all, I was a tomboy growing up. I entered the Ministry when it was a man’s occupation. I loved being a mother, but I did not like housework. But that is not what it is about.
As I have heard transgender parishioners say, it is about being at peace with oneself, allowing the inside and outward expressions of one’s self to match. Or as Lewis says, finding joy in who one is. I am at peace with who I am as a woman and tying to get used to being old.
Thinking about this brought up the whole issue of what it means to be a man or woman or non-binary in this society. To clarify, it has nothing to do with sexual expression. Whatever our gender identity, we can be drawn sexually to people of our same sex or of the opposite sex or sometimes both. Opposite sex. An interesting, taken for granted word. Is what we call the “opposite sex,” really opposite? Well, yes and no. The majority of Americans think of themselves as male or female. The “other” sex is opposite.
``` As the mother of three sons and a feminist, I have ruminated on these things for years. My conclusion is that my sons and I, though we are of opposite genders, are more alike than different. We are also each individuals. Our human individuality, our whole being rises to be claimed. However, living in a still patriarchal culture whose norms, though being challenged, are still operative, my sons and I have had different experiences as we grow up in our culture. And yes, while most of our biology is the same, there are sexual biological differences.
Maybe if those of us who are cisgender women and men were accepted for who we are and free to define ourselves, alike and different from each other as we are, we could accept trans people’s being as at home with themselves in their own being. All of us have to like who we are and define our own reality in the face of culture’s take on who we should be, both from the right and left.
I think about my sons, once boys, now men. I think about my husband and male friends and colleagues. Men and boys, those who are not incredibly privileged and acculturated, have as hard a go in life as any other human being. Even straight white men and boys. This is so in spite of the fact that when I enumerate two of the main liberation movements as they have manifested in the Twentieth Century and on into the Twenty-First Century, Civil Rights and Feminism, straight white men seem to end up being identified, almost by default as entitled oppressors.
My father, a straight white man, was the provider for our family who lived in the wider world beyond the home. He got to get on the train every morning and head to work and come home at night, often exhausted with much on his mind. He was a caring father and the one who worried about us children more than my mother. He died at the age of sixty-five of a heart attack. He carried so much responsibility.
My mother’s life was our home and being by my father’s side. She too was a good parent. They were both very loving people and we children were very fortunate. My mother lived to be eighty-seven. She was, in spite of some serious illnesses, able to carry on without my father. We didn’t think he could have lived without her. She did have my brother nearby who was always there for her.
They both lived, more or less, according to cultural norms that restricted their lives and yet, they found ways to be their own persons. Not without significant human challenges along the way. They were solid middle class and yes, economically secure, but always one job away from poverty.
When I became an adult, I chose my father’s path. I went to work in the world. Because I also was married and had children, I was a working mother and so, I followed in my mother’s footsteps too. My father encouraged me throughout my life to become a professional. In those days, my mother could not have done that. I chose and had chosen for me, a way of life that combined what I now see as the best of both worlds. Though, it was not and is not always easy. I was in a changing cultural milieu. Now many different lifestyle paths are open to people.
I share this little bit of personal history because the intersection of who we are and who culture says we are to be often clashes, is hard to figure out, and yet shapes our adult lives. My family context and cultural experiences along with who I am as a person has certainly affected my feminism.
I do not see men as oppressors as a class. I did not experience my father that way. I do not see my sons that way. I see Patriarchy as the enemy of personal development in both women and men, and as the enemy of social well-being. I see sexism as a terrible form of injustice. Throughout history sexism saw women as lessor than men, even property of men. Women were often the victise of violence and violation. As time has continued, women’s status has changed in the States, the country I know best. But injustice to the humanity of both women and men continues.
Today, I know both men and women can be sexists or oblivious to sexism. I am also well aware that sexism is still part of my and our cultural reality and still devastating and destructive of being for many, here and across the world..
But I have seen progress, significant, life-changing progress. Whenever I see a man pushing a baby carriage, I cheer inside. Whenever I see a woman with whom I share ethical convictions running for office, I vote for her. I take it for granted when the doctor treating me, or the minister of my church, or the lawyer advising me is a woman or a man. Though I know all Roman Catholic priests are still men. Whenever I see a man teaching in elementary school, I rejoice. Whenever I see a woman astronaut, I also rejoice but am still very impressed. Whenever I know a man is a conscientious objector, I am grateful. When anyone takes inclusive language seriously, I think, yes! When sexual harassment is a problem and sexual violence is identified, I .know we are on the path to justice.
Having said this, I try to understand some of the backlash against feminism on the part of those who still see it as a put down of men or a platform for radical women. Maybe part of the backlash against transgender people comes from those who think “masculinity” and “femininity” as it has been defined by society is a simple matter of birth for anyone. Those concepts don’t hold for me or the feminism I embrace. I like to think we can all express the best of so called masculine and feminine traits.
Make no mistake though, I am very concerned about toxic masculinity and see it represented in our current administration and economic milieu. Pete Hegseth being a prime example. I am also concerned about toxic femininity. It seems rife in women who endorse hyper -sexist men and their actions, riding on the coattails of power and wealth, even while claiming to be their own persons. Hopefully, having such men and women in power is a passing phenomenon… provided they do not blow up the world.
The future lies with people who care about justice and peace and who believe that every human being matters and deserves a good life in a world we choose to protect. The future lies with cultural transformation, alternatives to sexism for all of us, and a reworking of the meaning of love in relationships. (That needs another reflection.)
Provided we stay awake and live into what we believe and who we are and are becoming, we can all say yes to life. Yes, to wholeness! And, in the greater scheme of things, we can confess that we are all more alike than different. We are human beings.
As for God who has no gender and loves us all whoever we are, God calls us to wholeness and love. God wills that which is good and is on the side of justice and peace. The Spirit of God is the breath of life.
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